the zhaf speaks

Friday, June 29, 2007:

Every
time
we
say
goodbye...

I die a little.

---

I will miss you. So very dearly, even though you'll be right there in front of me.
And I will loathe myself for a long time for deciding on that jackass course of action.

I don't quite know what to think. I'm running through it in my head and it's absolutely, maddeningly, confusing. No, I'm neither sufficiently intelligent nor wise to decode mixed signals.

I do know however, that I, as always, am in too much of a bloody hurry.

What a crap-pile of fucked, superfluous, verbosity.

---

The thought of living with myself after today is rather mortifying.
The thought of falling far short of my idealizations and personal standards is repulsive.
And it happened today.

Ouch. and Argh. In equal proportions.

---

And I wonder why. I wonder why, a little.
Do you hate me?
Did I hurt you?
Is there any redemption for me?
Is redemption even necessary in the first place?

---

From the depths of my pained heart and aching soul, drenched in bittersweet hurt -

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 4:31 am

______________________

Tuesday, June 26, 2007:

The Year That Flew By

(but then, which years don't fly by, eh?)

Just about 1 year to the day. That's how long I've been here, at my current posting.

The reality is taking it's time to sink in, to settle in a cosy corner of my mind, and somewhere in the hollow of my chest. It's been a whirlwind, an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, from the lowest of lows, to the uplifting heights, and almost everywhere in between.

It's 5 in the morning and I am roused, unsettled. I sometimes amaze myself with my resilience, but rarely in the way I am constantly astonished with the strength of my fellows, the whole human race as a whole. I got through 365 days here.

I still remember what I told myself many years ago, on another cold and clammy night, when the rain came down in sheets, the way the tears streamed down my face, and I struggled to get through a seemingly endless night, one of those challenging stretches of twilight.

Come what may, tomorrow the sun rises, and a new day begins.

Good Lord, what a comfort that is. Truly. Thank you.

To live every day, as though it were your last.
And yet in prayer, as though eternity was within your grasp.

Every
single
last
second...
superfluous.

Each moment one - of ecstacy, wonderment, gratitude and unbridled happiness.

I'm trying very hard. Some things while simple, aren't the easiest to do. Trying to get past my past, not all of it, but certain parts of it. To savour the moment. To bridge that gargantuan gulf, that vast disconnect - between the halcyon future, and the tentative present.

Some help would be nice.

And perhaps it's just a matter of
- asking for it
- knowing how to ask for it
- asking the right people
- asking the right questions
- putting pride aside in admission of shortcomings, weaknesses

A good friend once told me, what God gives us, is never more than we can handle.

Right now, I would very much like to believe that.

God, grant me the courage to change what I might, the patience to endure the immutable, and judgment sound enough to discern one from the other.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 5:45 am

______________________

Friday, June 22, 2007:

it waits, for the day,
i will let it out,
to give It a Reason,
to give It its might,

I fear who I am becoming
I feel that I'm losing, the struggle within
I can no longer restrain it,
My strength it is fading,
I - have - to - give - in.

------
You can't hope to walk someone else through the darkness unless you are completely unafraid of it.
------

hold down your head now,
just let me pass by,
don't feed my fear,
if you don't want it out,

I fear who I am becoming,
I feel that I'm losing, all beauty within
I can no longer restrain it,
My strength, it is fading,
I have to give in.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:40 pm

______________________

Wednesday, June 06, 2007:

Dawned upon me - the archive link works no longer. Irksome, but a natural consequence of using an ancient, arcane and obsolete blogger template, whose javascript is konked out, no longer auto-generating a central archive page.

June arrived rather hurriedly. I like to alliterate -
Joyous January.
Fab Feb.
Merry Happy Bday to Me March (that counts. i really didn't ask to come out in march).
Elegant April (it's the sound, the sound!).
Magnificent May.
Hm. June June June. How bout... Jiggy-wiggy June. Yes and onwards.
Jolly July.
Aromatic August???
Sweet September.
Oligosaccharic October.
Nonchalant November.
Decidedly December!

Yup. June is here. The implications are staggering. It'll be one year soon at Bedok Camp. It also means half a year to potentially greener pastures. Caveat emptor - not where you are as much as what you do where you are.

Pining for the outside world results in stream-of-consciousness substandard poetry written during the pre-dawn hours on chilly rainy days.

---
Whispering wind a-blowing,
The leaves mischievously rustling,
Now cold it comes a-knocking,
Beneath warm blanket I'm hiding,

Nay I can't hide from thoughts of you,
Forget such magic as I once knew,
Sweet fiction drenched in morning dew,
Come sunrise sparks our hearts anew.

--- Do use liberally as long as I am credited (My poetry has miles to go though, so quote Whitman or Goethe instead).

Perhaps how it goes is you chose me. Subtly of course, and by the time I realised, and chose you back, the opportunity lapsed. It's been easy to mope and dwell on the what-ifs, those eat at me. But it's becoming increasingly apparent that it's only when I allow them to. For truly, how much of reality is but a matter of our psyche's subjective perceptions? Enjoy yourself in Vietnam, and when you're back on local shores - perhaps we might have some polite conversation over coffee one day, we might even give each other answers and even have a good laugh about it.

While doing my darndest to keep my feet on the ground, I'm still building castles in the air. Now, it's time to give those castles foundations, and to dig really, really deep. Ask yourself these two questions - Where shall I go? Who shall I take wih me? - and remember to ask them in the right order.

Pool. I'm plateau-ing. I'm inconsistent. I sink it all but can't quite keep it up over the last stretch, the all important 8-ball, the trophy 9-ball. And yes, pool is like seeing your current emotional state in controlled collisions on a green/blue table. An honest and surprisingly accurate expose of you in this moment. How do I break through this patch? I need to Zen through it somehow. Play without playing. Aim without aiming. The whole concept of unconscious competence. Which isn't the easiest thing, natch. Especially when the conscious competence part is still in the works.

But we will get there - ord, uni, world 9-ball tour, white castle, retirement at 30 and most importantly the homeland of inner authenticity, solitude, penance, honesty and absolute truth.

And yes, sushi buffets. Or 5 extra helpings of chicken rice at boon tong kee.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 4:15 am

______________________